Life's a game

So I want to liken social interaction to a game. A game that you start playing without knowing the rules. Some people are better at realizing what the rules are and are able to play very well. Other people cannot figure out why some people can do or say one thing and they cannot. It's all in the rules of the game.

Social interaction and relationships between people go hand in hand and without understanding of both of them you wont be able to go far in the world. There is a saying, It's not what you know, but who you know. I think this is definitely true. You can get a job somewhere much easier if you know someone who works there. You can become better friends with someone more quickly if you both have a friend in common who introduces you.

But what do you do when you don't have someone to help you? You have to play the game.

That is the purpose of this blog, to try and help people who cannot figure out the rules for themselves. I will be your person on the inside, but for every inside you ever wanted to get into. Yes, that one too perverts. It's all part of social interaction. If you can do it, then you win.

Teary Theory

I thought up a possible reason for why thinking of old ex girlfriends hurts inside. It's a little bit ridiculous and pompous, so I'm sure its not the only reason. Just a random thought. Its psychology shut up I can write it here.

So you think of an intimate moment with someone you can never be with again, you can never have that kind of moment with them again. It hurts you. It makes you cry or scream or something to get out the bad emotion. My stupid theory says that this is because you can never be the person you were when you were with them ever again. You have irrevocably changed.

and people dont like change, least of all changing themselves. You want to be the same person all the time, because thats trustworthy etc, I've talked previously about stability of self and things in a previous entry. When you are reminded that you are not as stable as you think yourself to be.

You arent what you think you are. and if you dont know who or what you are, then how can you be sure you know anything? It breaks you down at the core. and of course you attribute it to the person who the memory is based around, and you already have a convenient store of emotion for that person, it all just turns bad. THEY made you feel this way. It's THEIR fault. etc.

Theres also the more surface based abandonment issues and the loss of an emotional connection. Those were a bit more obvious so I didnt think about them as much.

Anyway, my theory may be crackpot, so let me know what you think.

Schrodinger's Hand

When you talk to someone about something important or heated, the main point is to tell them your opinion and to hear theirs. In the case of politics, abortion, or other controversial topics, many people forget the second half. They care so much about their opinion and would never think of changing it, so why should they hear what anyone else has to say?

Changing your opinion publicly is so much more difficult than changing it privately. You can think what you want and change intermittently based on any new information you gain. Once you make your opinion public, however, changing it publicly makes you seem like you don't know what you want or, even worse, what you are talking about in the first place.

Besides that, you want to be a consistent person. You want to know who you are and what you like and you probably don't like change. When you commit to something, you commit to it fully. Once it is out in the open, you truly believe it, whether or not you would have changed your mind about it given new information later. You are set in your ways unintentionally by making your opinion known.

This being the case, I can't help but be reminded of Schrodinger's Cat. You don't know whether it is alive or dead until you look at it. Similarly, you don't know someone's opinion of something until they state it. It could be anything, but once they tell you, that's it. That's their opinion. Period. Some people don't like that your cat is still alive and so they will try their hardest to kill it, but it doesn't change the fact that it was alive. It was your opinion on the subject.

Before you talk to someone, you can have all the opinions you want, you can arrange your hand of cards in any way you wish. However, once you put your cards on the table, you can't change them again, that's cheating, right? Once you voice your opinion you can't easily change it again. You're stuck.

Why would you intentionally show your cards to someone and lock yourself into a certain way of being without provocation? Don't go around boasting about the opinions you hold without getting all the facts first. You can keep the cards and cat to yourself, but once someone else gets involved, you have to go all in.

Also they might kill your cat. There's some incentive.

#FamilyTherapist

I have decided what I want my career to be.
Family Therapist.
It fits with all my requirements etc of psychology, social psychology, helping people, etc.
I can help people work together and become a better functioning family etc.
I looked up some of the requirements for becoming a family therapist today.
>10years of school/training etc.
Then I have to actually work.
I am honestly fine with this.
I like school and learning about stuff, and helping people always makes you feel good.

On a completely different note, I would like to discuss the #hashtag twitter movement... thing...
It is one of the greatest things to come into text based communication since the emoticon.
In my humble opinion anyway.
It is almost an evolution of the emoticon.
Let me explain. Please note that I use the word text to describe any kind of text communication.

Emoticons serve to set the mood of a certain text in order to let the other person better infer your tone and meaning. Without emoticons we would have to explain our feelings constantly, and who wants to do that.

#hashtags allow you to set the mood of a text in a similar way. They can set the subject or be a punchline etc. It allows you to say a word without it actually being taken in as you having said it. Almost like body language or the hidden language I talked about once before on this blog.

Finally, non-verbal communication in a text only message. Who would have thought we would ever be able to do that.

#nonverbaltext

Personal Motivation (Personal entry)

What?
A personal entry on personal motivation on my personal blog?

The other day I inexplicably lost motivation to do anything with my life for several hours.
It confused me greatly, considering I had recently developed a mantra of sorts to attempt counteracting this.

-
Invictus
by William Ernest Henley

Out of the night that covers me
Black as the pit from pole to pole
I thank whatever gods may be
for my unconquerable soul

In the fell clutch of cirsumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud
Under the bludgeoning of chance
My head is bloody but unbowed

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the horror of the shade
And yet the menace of the years
finds and shall find me unafraid

It matters not how straight the gate
How charged with punishment the scroll
I am the master of my fate
I am the captain of my soul
-

This is an inspiring poem for me.
I memorized it and repeat it whenever I need a boost of will power.
However, the other day, after talking with a friend about plans to go to japan,
I lost all sense of purpose.

If I am going to go to Japan soon, I cannot afford to go to college.
I will skip college until I get back?
I will skip Japan to go to college?

But then I thought, Why am I going to Japan in the first place?
I realized that one of the biggest reasons for me wanting to go was to test and improve my skill in the Japanese language.

I did not see the point. Why should I go if it is only for me?
Why then should I go to college? Since I am obviously doing it for myself alone.

What do I want from life?
That is the real question.

In this day and age, being born into such a profitable situation, I have everything I need to survive for as long as it takes for me to die. What, then, do I live for?

I am searching for a purpose, setting fires everywhere I go, can't avoid the burns.

Song lyrics, of all things, what have I done.

MOVING ON

I pruned everything from my life that I could not convince myself was definitely going to help me later on in life. No chance.

Guitar? stopped playing.
Movies and video games? please.
Japanese, however. That will always be something that can help me in life. No chance.

I've been studying Japanese religiously for some time now.
I still suck.
I am getting better, however.

I don't feel as if I've wasted time when I study Japanese.
Everything else just makes me feel bad.

TL;DR

Do only the things that will unquestionably help you in life in order to bring yourself out of the motivational dumps.

It's working somewhat well for me.

Impossible (to win) Situations

An Impossible Situation is a situation in which nothing the other party can do will be satisfactory to your desire.

A friend of mine sings alot, lets call him Adam. He sings in front of all of us, just nonchalantly, obviously expecting a comment of some kind. He's not bad at singing per se, and he has gotten better recently, but he is still a fair distance from random compliments. We have yet to comment on his singing at all.

Yet he continues, hoping for us to say... what exactly?

Obviously, telling the truth and saying he isn't as good as he apparently thinks he is isn't what he wants us to do.

Yet, if we compliment his singing, what then? What will he do? No compliment we can say will be what he wants, and even assuming it is, what happens next?

Does he continue singing for hopes of more compliments? No, that would be selfish etc.

Does he then stop singing after we complimented him? Perhaps, but then he might hold negative feelings thinking we expect him to sing.

Even if he does think we expect him to sing, that makes singing a chore, because it is for us now, instead of just himself.

In short, it becomes an awkward situation no matter what happens.

Nothing we can do can make this situation work. It's impossible. Therefore, Impossible Situation.

tl;dr dont expect people to do something if you dont know what you want them to do. honestly.

Unspoken (not body) Language

So think of a time when someone offered to do something for you.
Did they really want to do it? or did they feel obligated to offer?
How can you find out?

Proper social etiquette likely dictates you should  politely decline while giving them the possibility of helping you anyway.

"Oh, it's alright, I don't want to inconvenience you." or something like that.

The reason you do this is to give them complete control over whether or not they help you.
When they offer to do something, they are putting themselves on the line, they are putting their short term fate in your hands. By declining politely, like in the example, you let them off the hook.

They will reply something like "alright" or "are you sure?"
or
"no its no trouble really" or "come on, its fine"

The first two are him retracting his offer. Yes, even the are you sure one.
The second two are him overriding you presumed hesitation presumably because he genuinely wants to assist you.

Rule of thumb being;

POLITELY decline offers of assistance. If they INSIST, then you are good to, thank them for their offer and allow them to help you. If they do ANYTHING besides insist, even ask if you're sure, etc, you move on and deal with it alone. That is, assuming you don't want to inconvenience them... or if you're not desperate.

America's spirit animal is Pedobear

I was thinking earlier today about what is considered beautiful in america.

Everything is done to make you look younger, right?
Shaved hair everywhere except the head.
obviously skincare and makeup is meant to make you look  younger.

In france they dont shave, and we make fun.
But maybe they are just more okay with older women.

America is obsessed with youth, for better or worse.
the younger you look (while still being technically legal) the more attractive you are.

therefore, america is a pedophile.

maybe.

Its my birthday. the big 20

So.
Now that I am officially not a teenager anymore, I have to be more responsible.

That doesn't necessarily mean more mature, just more responsible.

Responsibility, to me, means being clean and organized in all areas of life.
Physical body and living space.
Scheduling both yourself and your life.

Keeping up with your lifestyle is immensely important.
No giving up because its too hard or because you are lazy.
Not anymore.
You have no excuse anymore.
You have to do it.

So.
I am currently working on becoming a responsible adult.
I get up early every day and take a shower and shave.
I do all the chores I am required to do and finish before I would have gotten up normally.
Then I practice guitar or study in whatever I want until I go to work.
After work I usually relax or play guitar until bedtime.
Then I ACTUALLY GO TO BED.
Finally.
Sleep for 6-8 hours every night.
Repeat.

I will become a better person every day for the rest of my life.
To me, that is responsibility.

And now for something completely different

Imagine your favorite library, but expanded.
It has every subject and all the information and entertainment you could ever ask for. period.
Therefore, it also has all the most horrifying and mentally scarring things you can think of. and more.

Would you still go there?
I think your answer would be yes, because you can just not go into the mentally scarring section of the library, right?

Now imagine that all the books talk to you, and you have to talk to them to get the information out of them that you want. They don't always want to give you that information, but after a little teasing and if you ask nicely, you can learn about anything.

Still good?

What if there was only one shelf of books? It holds all the knowledge, and all the horrors.
It's playful teasing after you ask for information becomes the most horrible things you've ever seen.
You get what you want but at a price, until you become used to or numb towards all the horrible things.

Is it worth it now? Some would say yes.
Some would say that becoming numb toward horrifying things is horrible by itself and makes it not worth it.

Who knows?

It's worth it for me.

Differing perspective; a small thought

I took a test today, after having been absent for a week, and studying for an hour.
I got a higher grade on that test than a friend of mine who had never been absent and had studied quite a lot.
I opted to subtly not tell him my score.
He assumed this would be because I was ashamed of my low score, and didn't want him to know how badly I had done.
I actually did it because I thought he would be mildly upset by the idea that I did better than him with far less work.
Always keep in mind other peoples opinions, and perspectives.
Especially their assumptions.

Social Scale aka Coolness Level

I tried to make a model of the social scale using various levels of coolness depending on the person. Putting each person in  one of those levels, then showing how one can move up or down. This model however, didnt work correctly with my observations.

Instead I think it entirely more personal. The only thing that really matters is if you are more or less 'cool' than the one person you are interacting with at the time. This is the first impression phenomenon. Looking and acting socially suitable for a first impression can go a long way. However, if you make a bad first impression, its not the end of the world. You can still become 'cooler' regardless of how cool you are.

Think about yourself, and think about the 'cool'est person you know. Depending on your self-esteem and social skills in general, this might be a person that you hate a lot, or a person you really like. Either way, you probably want to be more like them, in one way or another. Otherwise, why are they cool to you?

'Cool' people are socially suitable. They are clean, have a fashion sense, and are usually fairly confident. You'll note that I didnt specify GOOD fashion sense. They just dont look bad. they look okay. and thats good enough, if they make up for it with confidence. I feel I've been distracted from the subject.

So! When you talk to your 'cool' person, its probable that they are 'above' you in your mind and theirs. This can be in any number of categories, coolness in general, knowledge of a certain subject you find interesting, whatever. Its kind of hard to explain the concept of being socially 'above' or 'below' another person, but I'm sure you've experienced it at some point.

Look at your relationships with your friends and family. If you're super cool, you will feel your 'friends' (or aquiantances) will be below you, and they will think so as well. They realize, as do you, that you are 'cooler' than them, for whatever reason. This isnt to say you are better than them. They respect you. Because of who you are. They dont think they could be as cool as you, and you might agree. This doesnt mean that they are inferior, it just means they are less skilled in those (or all) areas. Keep in mind that this happens on the subconscious level most of the time.

People who mutually respect each other can actually think that they are both higher or lower than the other. This isnt to say that they tell each other this, or even realize it themselves, but because they both think the other is below them, they are willing to say more about themselves without fear of repurcussions. On the other hand, if both friends think that the other is higher up than themselves, they will be constantly respectful and nice to each other. it works both ways.

Obviously true intimate relationships will feel truly equal, but those are harder to come by. If you can get one of those, you don't need this blog.

Now for the good part, assuming you are on the lower end of this social seesaw, you can change that, and i will tell you how. keep in mind that this will take time. you are trying to impress a person who has thought you were useless or perhaps annoying, if not those than at least as a crony or somesuch.

First off! Become Socially suitable!
this means
-clean
-decent clothes (just dont look bad.)
-confident enough to say your opnion, without being overconfident and starting arguments over trivial things.

The third one is really key here, you have to be forceful, with finesse.

forceful finesse.

Watch and understand your person of interest, try to realize which things they think are actually cool. if you mess up (as long as you dont do something unforgivable), you havent lost much, because you were already below them in the first place. Back to square one and try again.

Stay socially suitable and keep trying to be the person they would respect. Learn alot about a subject they are interested in. Something like that anyway.

I'm going to a movie now, so ask questions if you exist, and I'll see you next time.

Socially Suitable

So I've decided to go more in depth about something that is sort of a cornerstone of my social theories.
Being Socially Suitable means being good enough.
Good enough to talk to, good enough to date, good enough to socialize with without fear of friends being embarrassed.
In layman's terms, it means Dateable.
I chose the word suitable because it means presentable, acceptable, and dateable, all at once.
Being socially suitable is very important if you want to get anywhere with anyone.

To be socially suitable, you dont have to be megahot, or supersmart, or anything like that.
You just have to know yourself and act accordingly.
You have to be clean, for one, and smell good. Just use deodorant, dont worry about perfume or axe or cologne. Just smell... suitable.
If you dont look terribly good, for whatever reason, you have to make up for it with style, physical or otherwise, usually otherwise considering physical is the problem in the first place.
Have a good attitude, postive attitude towards people in general, but try to stay away from people who are not socially suitable. Dont be mean to them.
Keep in mind the whole reason for becoming socially suitable was so people wouldnt be embarrassed to socialize with you. If you socialize with an unsuitable person, you are stepping down a social tier.
(Which is another subject I will probably talk about later.)
So, just be clean and presentable. Hang out with other people who are clean and presentable, not only will your social status go up (even if you never talk to anyone), but your self esteem will rise as well.

Social Suitable. It's a thing.

-Newman

Church Psychology

I've found that going to church puts people in a different mindset. I'm not saying that they are better people or whatever, but when they are actually, physically, in church, they act much differently than when they do outside of church.

This is caused by several factors. In church, as long as you are in good standing, everyone is nice. usually.
Everyone is nice because being mean or hurtful is looked down upon. So far fairly simple, right?
If you go to a place where you know everyone is going to be nice, then you will likely lower your guard a bit, therefore being more willing to interact with more kinds of people. This is also why you have friends in seminary or institute that you wouldn't normally have.

Standard society is very segmented. groups, cliques, packs. They're all the same. However, when you go to church, you become, at least superficially, part of a larger pack, in which it is wrong to deny others from joining. So, in social situations run by the church, you are much more likely to get a positive reaction when approaching people to talk.

This is only partially because of how nice everyone tries to be. It also has to do with how nice they assume you are going to be. For example, If you walk up to a girl in a bar, she thinks you want to sleep with her, regardless of your actual intentions, and if you walk up to a girl at a church occasion, she will assume you dont want to sleep with her, and dont want to hurt her, and then act accordingly.

That being said, keep in mind that this is only at church occasions, everyone lives in the real world, everyone knows how most people react to them. So, if you have just left church, and are still in that mindset, you will likely say hi to someone about to enter the church building. They, however, have been outside in the 'real world' and are in that mindset, thinking you strange for reaching out.

-newman

Victim Psychology

If someone is attacked, raped, or otherwise victimized, they will often afterwards say that it was their fault.
This is a defense mechanism to regain control in their lives.
If the attack was their fault, then they can stop themselves from being attacked in the future.
Telling a victim the attack wasnt their fault, while a very good thing to do, also undermines their new sense of control over their previously traumatic life and experience

Psychology

I have decided to major in Psychology. Specifically Social Psychology if possible.
The way people decide to do the things they do and the things that influence them are very interesting to me.
I have also decided, as a way to organize my thoughts, if nothing else, to blog about my thoughts on people and their psychology. If any nobodies want to comment to agree or disagree with my observations and theories, please feel free to do so. Thank you.

-Newman